The Secrets of Hockey

Hockey season is nearly upon is. In a few short weeks, Team CLE will be back on the ice for the 2014-15 season, making another run at the National Championship that eluded us in early April. Now that hockey’s fresh on our minds, now that we’re all desperately trying to figure out how we can possible get in shape before upcoming tryouts, now that we’re swearing off alcohol and ice cream and potato chips and dreaming of our TJ Oshie-esque shootout moves and sharpening our skates, it’s time to take a look at some of the lesser known reasons why hockey is the greatest sport on earth.

1.       The goalies are crazy.

In no other sport are goalies quite as insane as they are in the hockey world. Go up to any hockey player and ask them to describe their goaltender. They’ll probably say something like, “I’ve never met a weirder person in my entire life, but I love the heck out of her.” If that’s not the answer you get, chances are the goalie in question isn’t any good. That’s the secret: the weirder the goalie, the better the goalie.

Our goalie, Allie, has been wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas under her gear for years. My college goalie ate Nutella at every single meal. My middle school goalie applied thick coats of coal-black eyeliner before every game.

See what I mean? I guess you have be a little off your rocker to jump in front of a 90-mile-an-hour slapshot, though…

2.       The rituals are even crazier.

Hockey players live and die by rituals. One time, when I was 9 years old, I forgot to lace my skates up all the way, leaving the top eyelet on both skates lace-less. Then I scored a hat trick. Guess what? I’m about to turn 29, and I haven’t laced my skates up all the way since. 20 years. 20 YEARS OF INSUFFICIENT SKATE SUPPORT, ALL FOR A RITUAL!

One of my Team CLE teammates carries a bottle of tequila (named Jack) to every single tournament. Certain players take a shot of Jack from a very special shot glass before every single game. Chuck, one of our top defensemen, yells, “THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT!” before most games (even when it is, arguably, not the most important game of the tournament). Red Wings fans throw dead marine life onto the ice!

I guess we’re just a superstitious bunch. 

3.       The smell will knock your socks off.

The good smells – and the bad. There’s absolutely nothing like walking into a hockey rink. The smell is unique; it’s chilling, crisp, wintry, sweaty, rubbery. It’s perfect and unmistakable, like nothing else.

And then there’s the gear. Some people spritz a little Febreze into their bags after playing (lookin’ at you, Katie Virtue), but others don’t bother. We don’t bother because we know no amount of Febreze is going to make a dent in that disgusting hockey funk.\

The gloves are the worst. Never, ever make the mistake of sniffing a pair of hockey gloves. You will likely die.

4.       Chemistry reigns supreme.

On paper, two players could be perfect for each other. They’re fast, smart, aggressive… but then you throw them on a line together and … nothing. Nothing happens. Confusion sets in.

Or the opposite happens – the most unlikely pair gets caught out on a shift together, and their chemistry lights up the rink. Where did that come from, and why couldn’t we predict it?

Hockey’s this combination of quick-thinking, finesse, strength, split-second decisions, full-body athleticism, hand-eye coordination … and chemistry. Can you read your teammate? Do you know where your winger’s going to be before SHE even knows where she’s going to be? That’s the magic right there. That chemistry is impossible to teach, and it’s arguably even harder to learn, but it’s what makes hockey so incredibly satisfying.

What’s your favorite thing about hockey? What do you think makes it better than any other sport on the planet? We’d love to hear your thoughts.